Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
