I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
