If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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