if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
