im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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