at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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