1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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