well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
