Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
