They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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