Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
