well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
