does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
