Got a toothbrush?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
