I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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