Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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