I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
