tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
