Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
