Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
