Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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