Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize