Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
