If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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