So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
