i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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