..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
