Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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