Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize