I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
