well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My penis needs a shock collar
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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