my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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