i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
