I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
