If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
