I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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