so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
