Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
