I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
