we have officially lost it.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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