After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize