He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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