but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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