Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
