Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
