Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
