After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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