I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
