I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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