He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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