i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
