a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
