i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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