never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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