i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
