New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
